Drop the words “Good” and “Bad” do this instead.
Unexpected vs. Expected
One of the most important things I train adults and my staff to do is to STOP using the words “good” or “bad.” I hear adults ask kids all the time, especially those that struggle with regulation, “Did you have a good day?” or “If you have a good day then we will do/get xyz.” Please know- I am not shaming or judging you for this language- you received that language yourself, and it’s expected that you would use the language you know. I also used that language with my son when he was little- but if I could take it back, it’s the one thing I would have shifted immediately and here’s why.
Our language is extremely powerful-especially for developing brains who are taking in new language all of the time. When we say things like, “Did you have a good day?” we are implying that there is only good and bad, and that good is only a set of expectations defined by an individual. In reality, this is far from the truth- we are creating an identity of what good is, that is not accurate, obtainable, or sustainable for most of our learners. What happens then is that children internalizes that they are not “good enough” because they cannot obtain a level of “good” expected from those around them.
Doing this shifts external behavior internally causing significant issues with mental health, behavior, and further dysregulation which doesn’t stop at childhood. This is where individuals that are developing take these beliefs about themselves into adulthood and struggle with depression, anxiety, etc…if not already demonstrating it in childhood. A child is not their behavior, their behavior is an outcome of dysregulation, skills deficits, and neurowiring. *Recent studies have found that on average a child with ADHD receives 20,000 more negative statements than a child who is neurotypical before the age of 12. That statement should be alarming- there is a high rate of comorbidly between ADD, ADHD, Autism, and anxiety and/or depression. If we know that language in a developing child is programming the brain (which we do) for learning and outcomes, then changing language has potential to create the opposite effect as well.
Here’s what I recommend instead, use the words “expected” and “unexpected” this is a NEUTRAL term that doesn’t reflect internally but rather externally. I might say to a learner, with front-loading occurring first, “when we go outside to the park I need your body to show me 3 things that look expected: 1 that your hand is holding mine, 2 that we walk together, and 3 that when we get to the park we stay in the park area.” Notice that when doing this, I used words like we (connection). I also referred to the body (3rd party perspective not internalizing statements), and used expected language. I typically only use unexpected when I see that one of the expected “rules” was not followed. At that time, I will prompt, “remember expected is holding my hand- it’s unexpected to let go.” Keeping the positive and expected up front reminds our learners whose brains are in a constant state of dysregulation, what they need vs what they don’t. If I told you, don’t think of a pink tree- what did you just do? You thought of a pink tree. Our brains are not wired for no’s- they are wired for yes’. When we use language in a way that supports 3rd party perspective, connection, and expectation- we help create children that can demonstrate flexibility, empathy, critical thinking, care, and self-awareness (self-growth). Language is that powerful!
PS: I want to validate that making this change in your language will take a great deal of practice. It isn’t easy because it means you are rewiring your brain and the way you use language too. Give yourself grace as you “catch” using language that is unexpected to supporting your child’s growth, but stick with it!!! It won’t happen overnight, but that doesn’t mean its not making meaningful change.
-Tara
*William Dodson, who is a board certified psychiatrist and one of the first clinicians to specialize in adults with ADHD. And here's what he said. By the age of 12, children with ADHD receive 20,000 more negative comments than their peers who do not have ADHD.
